Bölüm 1605. Orta Ovalar Murim’ine Geçiş (10)

Bölüm 1605. Orta Ovalar Murim'ine Geçiş (10)

Will you only come to your senses once I’m dead? Is that what it would take? I questioned him.

Naturally, that set him off, and he shouted, P-Please don't say that, Mother! Hic! Huuuuuh—Hic! I made a mistake! It's... all my fault! Hic!!! Hic!

Amidst a deluge of tears and breathing so ragged that he could barely breathe, Squirmy threw himself at me.

Please don’t say such things! Sob ... It’s all my fault! Everything... is b-because I was lacking! Sob ... Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic! Please take those words back... sob ... waaaah... Jin-Cheon begged.

Shim So-So looked equally startled.

M-My lady!

Next time, I’ll make sure I’m first place on the exam, so hic! H-hic! P-please don’t say such things! Sob ... waaaah... waaah... waaah ... he added.

Let go of me, I said, ordering him.

Waaah ... mother... hic! H-hiiic! he cried.

I said let go, I repeated.

Please take those words back. Hic! H-hiiic ... If you don’t, I won’t let go. Hic! H-hic! Hic! I’ll hold on until you take them back, he said.

Stop pulling on my skirt.

Waaah... waaah... hic! H-hic! he continued crying.

Ah, come on, it's going to come off.

Please take them back... sob ... sob ... waaah... hic! he begged.

And what's gotten into Shim So-So now?

My lady... I was wrong! It was my fault for speaking out of turn. Sob ... sob ... Please punish me instead... No, punish me rather than him, Shim So-So pleaded.

Even Shim So-So, who had conspired with the little rascal, dropped to her knees, pleading desperately. To be honest, I expected this to work. Even Yul-Ha, who had been as stubborn as they were, once burst into tears and clung to me after hearing a similar threat.

Of course, back then, my words were much harsher. I had actually toned down that phrase this time. Still, considering the era, what she just said probably sounded even more shocking. Considering Squirmy's age...

At that age, your mother is your entire world. His reaction is only natural.

The mere idea of his mother disappearing or dying was enough to make tears pour down his face. Squirmy had grown up without a father. His mother was the only person he could rely on, and he would become anxious if we were separated, even for a short while.

After being hit by such a devastating blow, there was no way he could stay composed.

Shim So-So knew very well that I wasn’t the type to say things carelessly, so even she was thoroughly shaken. When Shim So-So cried and begged right beside the distressed child, Squirmy reacted as though the sky itself were collapsing. At this point, he was hiccuping so badly that he could barely form words.

It was impossible to understand what he was trying to say. I was honestly worried that he’d cry until he passed out.

Hic! H-Hic! Hic! Hic! M-Moth— Hic! Hic!

Very well. Let’s hear it, then. Do you know what you did wrong? I asked.

Hic! Sob... Hic! Hic! he hiccuped.

Jin-Cheon, do you know what you did wrong? I asked again.

I-I— hic... h-hic!

Do you know why I was so disappointed in you? I asked.

Hic ! I-I do know, he answered.

...

...

N-Next time... I’ll make sure to get first place... I-I won’t make excuses. I-I... he vowed.

That’s not the reason. The reason I was disappointed in you is that... I trailed off before continuing, ...you relied on So-So.

...

...

If you had spoken with your own mouth and asked that your achievements be recognized, perhaps the outcome could have been different, I said.

Not that anything would change. No perfect score, no reward.

Instead, you chose the easiest and simplest method to reach your goal. Rather than relying on your own strength, you relied on So-So. If So-So and I weren’t here, what would you do when faced with something you couldn’t resolve on your own? I questioned him.

M-Mother... please take back what you said... about not being here... hic ... sob ... he requested.

All people die eventually. I’ll die one day as well, I told him.

Waaah!

Stop crying and look into my eyes, I instructed.

Hic...

I’ll die someday. The same is true for So-So. The same for So-Hee and So-Wol. When the day comes that you’re left alone in this world, when there isn’t a single person left for you to rely on, what do you intend to do then? I asked.

I-if Mother were to pass away... then I-I would follow you in death as well... hic! he answered.

Then let me make this clear. If such a thing were ever to happen, I wouldn’t forgive you, even from the heavens, I told him.

...

...

Then... wh-what am I supposed to do...? Sob ... how am I supposed to live without you, Mother? Sob ... waaah... he asked.

You must learn to stand on your own, I answered.

...

You must learn how to stand by yourself. Of course, what you’re studying right now is important as well. Everything you learn at the academy and the school will become a foundation for the person you’ll become.

However, learning to stand on your own is even more important than that. You must think of everything you’re learning right now as part of that process. One day, me, and all those who cherish you, will leave you behind. You must prepare yourself for that day, I explained.

...

I’m not telling you never to rely on others, nor am I saying that relationships are not important. But when it comes to important decisions, you must be the one to make them. When it comes to standing against someone, you must be the one to do it.

If you become accustomed to leaning on others, then when the truly important moment arrives, you’ll end up failing. You’ll become someone incapable of doing anything—a useless person, I added.

...

Do you wish to become a useless person like me? I questioned.

...

M-Mother is not a useless person—n-no... sob! Didn’t you build a great escort agency all by yourself? he asked.

Great? It's barely bigger than a shack. We’ve just started turning a profit.

You’re educated and intelligent as well... sob ... sob .... he said.

I almost believed that myself.

Even the instructors at the academy and the school admire your wisdom and dignity... s-so how can you call yourself useless? P-Please do not say such things... sob ... he begged.

...

Haa...

...

Were you afraid to ask me what you wanted? I asked.

I-I wasn’t afraid... sob ... waaah... I was afraid... sob ... that you would be disappointed in me... again, Jin-Cheon confessed.

Ah, damn it. Feels like the mood's lightening up.

I ought to have pressed him harder with a sharper tone of voice, but somewhere along the way, my voice grew gentler without me realizing it.

The sharp Squirmy sensed that there was still room for negotiation, so he immediately cozied up to me.

B-But... I still can’t imagine being separated from you. I-I shall live with you until the day I die! I’ll marry you, and I’ll build a great house for us to live in together. I’ll spend my entire life serving and honoring you! he declared.

Starting with wanting to marry your mother, that's already the opposite of filial piety.

Well, children that age often said things like they were going to marry their mother or father. That wasn’t the important part, anyway.

Look at him, trying to change the mood so naturally.

Mother, please promise that you’ll stay with me forever as well, he requested.

And now he's bringing out his cuteness. Clever little thing.

I had no idea whether he was aware of how adorable he was, but I could tell he was trying his absolute hardest to win me over. Of course, part of me felt that I ought to let him off the hook by now, but if I were to do that, there was a good chance that everything I said up to this point would go to waste.

Looking at his face, he was probably recalling memories from when he was even younger, before his official education began. Things like going on walks in the hills behind the estate together or listening to me play tunes on a reed whistle.

I need to make sure this gets burned into his brain.

After all, once people became adults, they would barely remember things that happened at such a young age. If anything, I had to become even colder than before. I looked down at Squirmy as though he were being ridiculous, and the air changed abruptly.

Then, I asked him in a voice as cold as ice, Are you saying I should spend my entire life cleaning up after you?

Ah ... that’s not... not what I meant... Jin-Cheon mumbled.

So you really didn’t understand what I said. Then I’ll say it again. One day, I’ll leave you, I said.

One day, you’ll be left alone in this world, I added.

If you really want to make me happy... I trailed off before continuing, ...become a more capable child.

Become so capable that no one would ever dare look down on you, I said.

...

I stared directly at him. My eyes were dull and dark, devoid of even the faintest glimmer of light. I had spoken in a voice that sounded as though all of my emotions had died long ago, so I had to be really scary in the eyes of a child.

I wondered if I ought to add just a touch of madness to the performance.

The moment a certain face surfaced in my mind, an unnatural smile crept onto my lips without me realizing it. Silence. It lasted only an instant, but to him, it probably felt like an eternity.

Perhaps he was even beginning to entertain thoughts he wasn’t supposed to entertain, such as, My mother isn't exactly normal, is she? It's as if something inside her is broken.

Of course, the scene lasted only for a moment. The darkness he glimpsed vanished just as quickly as it appeared. In the blink of an eye, the woman before him was once again his same mother as always, who was sometimes excessively cold and relentlessly strict with him.

After gently brushing his cheek, I rose to my feet.

H-hic!

...

H-hiiic!

...

So-So, I called out.

Y-yes, my lady, So-So answered.

Tell So-Wol that Jin-Cheon should review the lessons he missed today and continue his training as usual. He must learn more than just swordsmanship, I ordered.

Y-yes, Ma’am!

After I finish dealing with the matters currently on my plate, I’d like to hear what you two had discussed, I added.

Just as I stepped out of Squirmy's room while looking at the somewhat uneasy Shim So-So, someone suddenly called out to me. M-My lady!

???

Turning my head, I saw Shim So-Wol standing there with a deathly pale face. Any trace of her usual composure and etiquette had vanished. She didn’t even stop to greet me, as she was too busy gasping for breath while delivering her report.

My lady! Y-Young Master Jin!

???

Young Master Jin... is said to be... en-engaged to the daughter of the Hebei Peng Clan! So-Wol reported.

...

Officially, they say he’s traveling to Hebei for a martial escort mission... but rumors are spreading throughout Shenyang that he’s actually going there to meet the Peng Clan's daughter! she added.

A martial escort mission... at a time like this?

Wh-What do we do? Sob ... she cried.

He's going to remarry?

Before I realized it, I had bitten down on my lip so hard that blood seeped out of it.